Grief Teaches Us…
There is no denying the intense crippling feelings when grief comes knocking on our door. It is visceral, shocking and heart wrenching. Your life will never be the same as you move forward learning to navigate in a whole new way. The death of a love one is like a star going out .. the essence of them still upholds an energetic pull. That void it creates, makes way to the confusion of the heart, the cloudiness of the mind with the feelings that it’s all a bad dream. So, into the void we go! ….
Grief interrupts the circuitry of the heart...
We are made up of energy, cellular connections and neurons speaking to each other from all corners of the body. We are electric with constant sparks of synapses extending information from one cell to the next. The heart is a complex being! It has a physiological role of moving fresh oxygenated blood from head to toe. It has endocrine functions which produces hormones (the messengers of the body), and it has an emotional self where we FEEL so deeply the response of grief or love. Lastly, but definitely not least, it has a Spiritual body! Where the seat of our soul connects to the human self. Let me remind you, that all of this is encompassed within just one … continually beating… since before you were born … on up through this moment… organ. We can look at ourselves as a vast universe, with trillions of cells working individually (relative to our Earth) and collectively (relative to the universe). Grief disrupts the energy, connections, synapses and the efficiency of the heart.
We all remember that first time we lost someone dear in our lives. The physiological respond is very real, very intense. There is a cascading respond of the emotional body, releasing hormones that tell us we are very much sad. You can have physical pain within the heart…heartache. The stomach my wrench, the bones might hurt, a weakness can come over you! This is all rooted in the emotional! No 2x4 came out and hit you … you didn’t break a bone… you aren’t sick… its ALL emotional. This is one of the things grief teaches us. How important it is to care for our emotional state, how much in can impact our overall wellbeing.
Other aspects of Grief:
Grief is not only attached to the loss of a human being. Anything that creates that longing or missing is a trigger to the qualities of grief. A loss of a pet, a job, your favorite item, selling your old (full of memories) car, letting go of friendships, divorce, healing trauma and wounds, surgeries where pieces of yourself are removed.. on and on. Grief is also drawn down from our ancestors through epigenetic. If there is a lot of grief within this realm it can effect your life in the ways of heartache, sadness and fear of loss. All these things can create that sense of ‘void’. Rebirthing yourself requires death at the start.
So, what can we do? How do we navigate this inevitable part of life? What can we learn from grief? Does it ever go away? The answers are very much personal to each of our unique selves. It all depends on our state of being as the grief hits. Are we already deficient in the things that support the body in stress? Have we gathered tools in life that help move us through our hardships? Are we willing to learn from the things we have no control over?
My Griefs, Lessons and Remedies:
Early in my life, there were situations that I experienced which created that sense of loss. These included moving a lot, my parents divorce, lack of physical security and emotional instability within the home. As time moved on I also experienced many deaths of family dogs (Mo, Shasta, Tuck, Mona, Rocky, Cookie and Biscuit), the loss of all my Grandparents and both my parent in laws. But, for me the most impactful and painful ones were the loss of my mom July 4th, 1997 and my husband of 29 years, January 19th 2022. Both teaching me uniquely, due to being in different stages of life itself. I was 23 years old at the time of my mom death and 48 years old with my husband. Over those 25 years between the losses, I had emotional matured a lot. I had gathered some amazing tools and acquired loving relationships. Although equally as painful, with my mom I was crippled within the discomfort and eventually deeply buried my emotions because I was to exhausted to process them. With my husband, although just as painful, I was able to slip in and out of moments of deep profound healing … healing that included a life time of stuck and stagnate grief.
Theses are some of the things that I have learned:
Time is valuable. In fact it is one of the most valuable asset we have. When it is done.. its done! I was able to look back over the year prior to my husband, Scotts, death and see if I navigated my time in a way that was fulfilling to our last moments together. I was also able to judge if I spent my ‘time’ in a manner that was fulfilling to myself and purpose. It allowed me to declare that the time moving forward should be spent in as much love, joy and laughter as possible. Do the things that make you shine!! Spend ‘time’ doing things that make you happy! Spend ‘time’ with people you love… and love them so deeply that when you are gone, that the love you gave last them for the rest of their lives.
Joy is the spark of Love. To understand, wholeheartedly, what joy means. How it feels. How it taste, How it smells. How it looks. To allow the sensations of joy to dive deep into the pain within the heart and all of who I am. To know that the vibration of joy alone can recalibrate the circuitry of the heart. Find joy! Breathe in the sunshine yellow of its essence. Smile! Laugh! Cry! Surrender!
Have faith in something bigger than you. At my moms death I lost this. I damned it in fact. One of the tools I collected over the years was my connection to Spirituality. This has held me at those incredibly lonely times where I missed my husband and our deep friendship. My practice of spirituality gave me a platform to develop a different kind of relationship with him. It reminds me that we all will reconnect! This can be Nature, God, Goddess, the Sky, Divine, Love… whatever you feel peace in. Practice daily! See ceremony in all things!
Acknowledge the feelings and sensations. Part of the healing path is to be able to sit within the feelings, sensations and discomfort of body as these are the only way for the body to speak to you. To be able to process (in mind, body and spirit) the wounds and traumas of life is part of why we are here. **the others being to find JOY and self love! When I was feeling held enough I would allow for the sensation of missing to surface, for the waves of sadness to be released. Crying is incredibly healing. It washes the body of pain and it gives the cells the ability to release emotional toxins. I cried a lot! I still cry often… just about daily in fact.
Be ok with not being ok. There were times where it was just too overwhelming to sit and feel, too process, to dive deep into the pain for answers and remedies. So… be ok with those moments of healthy distractions. For me it would be some favorite uplifting TV shows or trips to see friends. Also, after the initial shock started to subside, about a year later, micro dosing mushrooms proved most helpful for the stuck stagnant depression as well as other medicinal plants. *see below
Remember Grief doesn’t go away. We learn to live within the realms of grief but that ‘void’ is never filled. Life has changed forever. Learning how differently the body, mind and spirit move is part of the healing. A scar is a scar. Try to heal it with as little impact to the rest of the self. Journaling is good here. Writing about how you feel, what you learn, adjustments made that are helpful. Let the Spirit of the loss reside in the ‘void’ it created.
Keeping the memory alive through stories; written and spoken. Journal the memories and times for you to remember many years from now. Tell stories of the times spent. Fully laugh at those comedic moments.
Lastly and most importantly.. take care of yourself! Grief bestows immense stress on the body! Stress management: movement, mediation, sleep, take baths, nature time, breath work, friendships. Nourishment: healthy foods, hydration, and herbal remedies. These are all part of my protocol for healing grief. Food is medicine! We need certain vitamins, minerals, fats, proteins, fiber, amino acids…. in order for body to function optimally. If you are already depleted before the grief happens it will much hard to deal with. Stay on top of fundamental nourishment! Crying releases lots of water stay hydrated with clean water and herbal tea. Practice self love and self care. Be kind and patient with yourself.
Herbal allies. Using herbs that support the nervous system is a must with grief. These are called nervines.
Milky Oats tincture is most impactful for the nervous system, the tea is wonderfully nourishing
Lemon balm supports all sorts of emotional upheavals, including anxiety, insomnia, sadness and the mind.
Hawthorn supports the physical, emotional and spiritual aspects of the heart. Helps with insomnia with grief
Rose is a gentle and loving heart tonic, brings the essence of love and joy into life.
Linden is a soothing moistening friend that is helpful in supporting grief and frazzled emotions
Traditional Chinese Medicine says the lungs hold grief so herbs like:
Yerba Santa are helpful in moving the grief
Schisandra is a wonderful adaptogen the supports the heart & lungs as well as emotions and stress.
Deep full slow rhythmic breathing is extremely helpful and its free and always with you.
Homeopathy is a gentle very effective medicine for grief. Take 3 pellets under your tongue at least 20min away from food. Can do daily at first or as needed if it helps. 30c-200c as needed
Aconite shines brightly with the initial & on going shock and fear that comes with grief.
Pulsatilla is helpful for weeping stages of grief, especially when we are feeling clingy to others.
Ignatia is good for the later stages of grief when there is uncontrollable crying & emotional issues
Other: Flower Essences are helpful for emotional shifts and stress, Crystals connect us to the Earth & self
Rescue Flower Essences for shock, stress and emotions. 7 drops in water daily
Bleeding Heart Flower Essences for grief and heartache
Rose Quartz crystal for heart healing and self love
Formulated Remedies:
Grief - Hold my Heart Tea: drink freely
1/2 cup Oat straw
1/2 cup Lemon balm
1/4 cup Hawthorn leaf, flower or berry
1/4 cup Rose petals
1/4 cup Linden
Blend together in a jar and label. Use 1T per cup of boiled water. Click here to learn Make a medicinal cup of tea
Loving Nervines. 2-4 dropperfuls 3-5x day - 2oz bottle
30mL Milky Oats
10mL Skullcap
7mL Linden
7mL Rose
6mL Lavender
Blend all together in a 2 oz dropper bottle.
Products to buy instead:
Herbalist & Alchemist Grief Relief formula
Flower Essences Services Grief Relief spray
Many blessings on your journey. Find a good community for support. See my Services page for my offerings.
Scott and I - 2018
Death becomes an occasion through which “our love for one another is increased” -unknown
